Nobody Does It Better

A couple of nights ago I was in a pub and heard Nobody Does It Better (of Carly Simon / James Bond fame) and for the first time I became aware of one of the lines:

I wasn't looking, but somehow you found me.

Obviously I have heard this song before now. And, like this time (in a pub, at karaoke, with a few drinks in my system), I wasn't really listening. But, unlike other times, the lyrics were being shown on a screen so that line above made its way into my mind.

I wasn't looking, but somehow you found me.

Look at it.

I wasn't looking, but somehow you found me.

No, really, look at it.

I wasn't looking, but somehow you found me.

I was struck so hard by the realisation that here was a song that I had previously ignored that was fully deserving of my undying hatred. I would like to know what the actual fuck Carole Bayer Sager was thinking when she wrote lyrics that devoid of sense.

I wasn't looking, but somehow you found me.

Carole Bayer Sager is a woman who does not understand hide and fucking seek. And Carly Simon is a woman who is happy to sing lyrics that resolutely stupid. I am curious as to how Carole Bayer Sager thinks that hide and seek is played. Does she really think that the seeker can only find those who are hiding if those who are hiding are looking for the seeker?

"How did you find me?" Asked a young Carole Bayer Sager. "I wasn't even looking for you!"

Later.

"Woo! We all hid really well! Thick-brained Carole didn't find us!" The children clapped.

"But how could I?" Wailed a young Carole Bayer Sager. "None of you were looking for me!"

I would hope that the other kids hated her. Possibly it is this hatred that drove her ambitions and led her to be successful. If so, then on this occasion, this is not taking strength from adversity, this is taking strength from people quite rightly hating you for your idiocy.

I wasn't looking, but somehow you found me.

It's amazing that she even dresses herself.

Whoops

So I guess my health isn't quite as good as I thought. Even so, this is quite the gap, and it just will not do.

1. I have now heard the X-Factor Finalists version of Heroes. Heroes is one of David Bowie's best songs and a contender for my favourite Bowie song. The XFF (I am shortening their name as that's what one does with terrorist groups) have seemingly kidnapped the song and have started bludgeoning it to death. Apparently their demands are that we buy their records and put them, individually, in the charts.

Fuck you, I will not negotiate with terrorists, and while you may have taken this song the public will see to it that you don't get to kidnap too many other songs.

2. I have now heard Coldplay's assault on the charts in their attempt at getting the Christmas Number One. Having heard it I think that it is best described as a Christmas Number Two. In the first verse Chris Martin's singing displays notes so flat they could be used to skim over fresh plaster.

Coldplay fans will think that it's beautiful.

Fuck you, Coldplay fans, fuck you.

3. JUST WHO THE FUCK IS BUYING THAT FUCKING TIME OF MY LIFE BLACK EYED PEAS SHIT?

I am old and cranky.